In the first chapter of his book Gifts of the Dark Wood, Rev Eric Elnes writes that his “book is about seeing life through new eyes, recognizing that experiences of failure, emptiness, and uncertainty are as critical for finding our way through life as they are unavoidable.” As he considered his proudest achievements, he realized that “nearly everything on [his] list was directly or indirectly the result of some failure, loss or disappointment that forced [him] to look at [his] situation differently and produced a creative result.”
And that got me thinking about my own life. Some of you have probably heard this before, but in May of 2015, I found myself in uncharted waters. I was finally beginning the life I had envisioned for myself: fairly happily married with our third anniversary coming up, and ordained in my first call as a part-time pastor of two churches who’d had a yoked relationship for decades. At the beginning of the month, I went upstate for a retreat with other new pastors. It was a great time away, but by the end of the week I was ready to get back to Long Island and my husband. Not long after I got home and started unpacking, my husband got home from work and told me he wanted to talk. It was then that I learned our marriage wasn’t as happy as I had thought: he wanted a separation.
I was lost. I was confused. I was sinking.
Kind of like Peter.
This passage from Matthew really highlights who Peter is: hot one minute, cold the next, ever struggling and putting himself out there. He walks on water. And then, because the storm is still all around them, he starts to sink. When Peter starts to flounder as the fear overwhelms him, he cries out to Jesus.
That is the rock that the church was built on. See in chapter 16, not too long after walking on water, Jesus names him Peter, aka- Rocky. You just know that the others were snickering and thinking: Yeah, the sinking rock. And then Jesus says, “I’ll build my church on this rock.”
In his book, Elnes specifically addresses the implications of Christ building his church “on the sinking Rock of Peter,” noting that maybe failure and misfortune are not “signs of God’s displeasure [or] punishment for unfaithfulness.” “Jesus seems to want to build his church on a sinking rock” so maybe “it [sometimes] takes a journey into … darkness” to find ourselves.
I can’t imagine who I would be or where I would be if I hadn’t experienced everything that happened in May of 2015. I discovered new ways to connect with God as I walked regularly along the bay by my new apartment. I was reminded that I had the inner resources to locate those I wanted to be close to. I rediscovered those things I love.
Maybe those dark times of uncertainty which come during transition really are essential to the journey to becoming oneself.
These times of sinking happen, much as we might want to avoid them. There are times where we feel lost, or in over our heads and unable to stay afloat. But while Jesus admonishes Peter for having weak faith, Jesus also grabs Peter. God does catch us, sometimes through our own work and sometimes through others: part of who I became started with my own initiative, but other things came because I was invited. The organist invited me to come and hear her daughter, who plays in a summer band with friends, all around my age. The clerk of session invited me to join the Cuba Work Group in the Presbytery, which led to my increased involvement and the forming of bonds I needed at that time in my life.
As Elnes says in his book, “Sometimes… you need to step away from the security of your boat onto the stormy sea of your own awakening to discover that a sinking stone is a far firmer foundation than you ever have imagined.” We embark on this journey that will invite us to explore all the places where we find ourselves–not just the seemingly stable and blessed places, but the ones that feel like utter failure, or at least the most tenuous. These are the places where Jesus says “Do not be afraid, it’s me calling you out here to find the depths of your very soul. And if you begin to fall, I’ll reach out a hand.” Thanks be to God. Amen.
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